Festive Hell
by green-gremlin
Summary: Esme thinks it would be fun if they all put on a Pantomime/Play for Nessie this Christmas. But with a script to be picked, roles to be cast and lines to learn, is it really going to be fun? M for good measure


**Hello All. This Chapter...Hell the whole fic is dedicated to SkyPiratesWoman (or Februarysong if you go on Twilighted). She is my loyal beta and also the one who encouraged me to write this first chapter when it was only a random idea floating in my head. I hope everyone enjoys it, but especially Jen! She's earnt it.**

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**Esme's Point of View**

"It will be cute," I gushed, bouncing on mine and Carlisle's bed in excitement, "and Renesmee hasn't seen a play before. And you did say we needed to spend more time as a family."

Carlisle just sighed, rolling over so he was facing me again." I just don't think they're going to like it," he muttered. "Well, Alice will probably like it, but Edward won't, nor will Rose. She'll think you're deliberately trying to embarrass her."

I shook my head, annoyed that he was still trying to find reasons for us not to put on a play. "Mind you, she'll probably find a way to blame Emmett for it," he chuckled suddenly. "She always does. Poor guy, I don't know how he puts up with her dramatics so much."

"She is a diva," I agreed, and a thought suddenly hit me. "But if she was in the play, she'd be able to be a diva without upsetting anyone, and she'd have loads of nice outfits to wear."

Carlisle just groaned again, obviously he had been hoping to distract me from my original aim.

"Please!" I whispered against his ear. "Please, baby, it'll be fun!"

"You're going to do this no matter what I say, aren't you," he murmured, looking up at me. I had won. Nodding brightly, I jumped up and began making notes on everything we'd need.

"Just be careful it doesn't get out of hand," he warned softly. "I don't want the house destroyed…again".

"Don't worry," I giggled, only half-listening now as I thought over everything I was going to need, "You'll of course play a part." It wasn't a question and he knew it, so didn't even bother respond to me. I had such high hopes for this little project of mine. If everything went to plan the family would be closer than ever and Renesmee would have a lovely memory of this Christmas. Looking up slightly, I thought over how happy my little granddaughter would be when she witnessed the result of all of our hard work.

"Just make sure everyone is happy with the play you chose," he muttered, before getting up and stalking to his office for a bit of peace.

I had come up with the idea of putting on a family play almost three hours ago and had been talking his ear off ever since, in the hope that he'd give me my way. In the end he had caved, just as I knew he would. Everyone was going to have a lot of fun, and Renesmee would be so happy… It was worth having to beg Carlisle. Smiling to myself, I quickly turned the computer on and began searching the internet for different play which didn't need many actors and wouldn't take too long to learn.

"This is going to be so fun!" I squealed to myself as I finally managed to make a short list of suitable plays. Now all I had to do was clear it with the rest of the family and assign parts.

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Bella's Point of view**

"Shoot me!" I groaned into Edward's side. "Just shoot me now". We had just returned to the main house after a long walk in the forest with Renesmee to discover two things which would make the rest of the day that much harder.

Firstly, at some point during the day, Jasper had injured himself with his powers and was now sprawled half on the sofa and half on the coffee table, smiling like an idiot and acting well and truly stoned. This wouldn't have been a problem, except Emmett had taken advantage of Jasper's stoned behaviour and given Alice a six pack of Red Bull, which she was happily drinking, one tin at a time.

"I'm a pretty princess!" Make that three problems. Apparently in Jasper's inebriated state, he had thought it would be funny to convince Emmett he was a little girl, or maybe that was his idea of revenge. Either way, we were standing by the front door with a very disturbing sight before our eyes.

"Mommy," Renesmee suddenly said, drawing my attention to her and away from the insanity in the room.

"Yes, sweetheart?" I cooed softly, leaning forward to allow her to touch my face and tell me telepathically what she wanted. A second later I wished I hadn't as images of her dancing with Emmett, both dressed in pink tutus, filled my head. "No, sweetheart," I said soothingly. "You don't want to play with Uncle Emmett". Her pout would have broken my heart if it still beat.

"Why?" she asked sulkily, refusing to touch my face to ask. "I want to be a pretty princess too." I suddenly became aware of Edward chuckling by my side. Glaring at him, I told him with my eyes that he was going to have to deal with this on his own if he didn't start being supportive.

"Because Uncle Emmett isn't too well," Edward told our daughter, reading my expression perfectly and jumping in before I stormed off. "We don't want you to get sick too, do we?"

Her expression said it all. She didn't believe him and was willing to kick up a very big, very loud fuss if she didn't get a truthful answer or her own way. Edward glanced at me before opening his mouth to say another excuse.

"Kids," Esme called as she skipped down the stairs smiling, saving us from trying to convince Renesmee that she didn't want to play "pretty princess" with her uncle. Smiling weakly at Edward, slowly stepped fully into the room. I couldn't help but be curious by Esme's excitement.

"I WANT TO BE THE KING!" Alice screeched, bouncing around Esme, clutching a can of Red Bull happily, "I WANT TO BE THE KING!"

"Oh no," Edward muttered the next second, obviously having just heard what Esme or Alice were thinking.

"That's nice dear," Esme told Alice, trying to extract the can from her hand without Alice realizing, "but we don't know if there will be a king yet." Finally Esme got the can from Alice, only to discover it was empty. Throwing it with skill that the NBA would be proud of, the can landed in the bin.

"There will be," Alice giggled, spinning madly across the room to where the rest of the Red Bull lay, "And I'm going to be the king!"

"EMMETT, GET OUT OF MY CLOTHES!" was suddenly screamed from somewhere upstairs, causing everyone except Edward and Jasper to jump. I hadn't even noticed Emmett had vanished until that point. A millisecond later, he bounded down the stairs with Rosalie close behind. He was sporting a little red cocktail dress which Rosalie had bought on their last shopping trip together. The seams were tearing with every movement he made.

"Emmett Cullen," Esme snapped, seeing the state of one of her sons, as he twirled around the room, out of Rosalie's grasp. "You go upstairs and change out of that dress this instant."

Instead of obeying, Emmett just grabbed Alice's hand, and began dancing in circles with the hyperactive imp. Neither seemed to mind the other's exuberance, giggling madly as their dance got faster and faster.

"Jasper," Esme finally growled, turning to the blonde vampire, who had slipped at some point. His bottom was now stuck between the sofa and the table. "Turn him back this second, and then I'll deal with him for giving Alice the Red Bull."

Giggling weakly, I leaned towards Edward, hoping he would tell me what Esme had planned.

"Daddy?" Renesmee inquired softly before I could open your mouth to question him, "Why does Uncle Emmett have a lump in his panties?" The silence which hit the room was almost as good as the look on Edward's face. Alice broke the silence with a gale of laughter, quickly followed by Jasper who just ended up sinking deeper in-between the sofa and table.

"Urm…" Edward stuttered, looking around the room for help. His eyes finally landed on me, begging to be saved.

"It's because he's a boy," I said softly, petting her head. "Remember what Grandpa Carlisle told you about the differences between boys and girls?" She nodded brightly, a look of enlightenment on her angelic face. But within her eyes I could see pure mischief and I quickly realized that she had already known that answer and had just wanted to make Edward embarrassed. That was why she hadn't asked him telepathically. I couldn't be prouder of my little pixie!

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Esme's Point of View**

At least I now knew that Emmett wouldn't be adverse to a little dressing up, but I made a mental note to ensure his costumes covered every part of him that Renesmee's young eyes shouldn't see. He had also given me a good way to encourage Rosalie to join in my little plan. If she knew Emmett would be getting his own costumes that he could wear whenever Jasper messed with his head, then her clothes would be safe, keeping her happy in her own little way.

"I'm going to be the king," Alice began singing loudly, pulling me out of my thoughts once again. "I'm going to be the pretty king!"

Looking down at my list of plays, I tried to think which involved kings so I could strike off the ones that didn't. If Alice said she was going to be playing the King, then she was. There was no point even trying to argue against her.

"I'm going to be the pretty princess," Emmett suddenly declared, not seeming to care what Alice was talking about. He was more interested in joining in on the fun.

"There isn't a princess!" Alice declared stubbornly. "Stupid head!" Sticking out her tongue at Emmett, I decide to intervene before Emmett could think up a comeback to match Alice's brilliance.

"That's enough! No calling people stupid, Alice!" I announced, striding into the middle of the room. "Now, I wanted to talk to you about an idea I had, which is a bit hard when three of you seem to be insane right now."

"I'm not insane," Emmett defended loudly, "I'm a pretty princess!"

"Of course you are, Emmett." I sighed. "Jasper, turn him back this second, and Emmett, if I EVER discover you've given Alice Red Bull again, you will be in so much trouble, mister!" There was a few seconds of silence, as I waited for Jasper to obey me.

"Oh my God," bellowed Emmett suddenly, looking down at himself in shock. "What am I wearing?" His eyes were bugging out of his skull in shock. "Bloody hell, Jasper," he swore softly. "Stop doing that to me!"

A muted chuckled rose from the squished blonde who didn't even seem to care the position he was in.

"I've got to change," he declared loudly after having another look at himself.

"No, Emmett!" I sighed, "Sit down and listen to me first, and then you can get changed." He looked incredulous at my suggestion. "It's not like you haven't ruined Rose's dress already," I continued, thinking that was what he was worried about. I was surprised to find it wasn't.

"But everyone can see my Ding Dang Doo," he declared loudly, trying to pull down the front of the dress to hide the bulge. This only resulted in the back of the dress rising, exposing his inappropriately bare behind.

"Daddy?" Renesmee asked clearly, "Where have Uncle Emmett's panties gone?"

From the smirk on Bella's face I knew that Renesmee was intentionally asking these questions to make Edward feel awkward.

"It's a thong!" Alice shrieked, jumping up and down on the spot as she pointed at Emmett's bare behind.

"It's a pink thong," Jasper added with a snigger.

"No, it's white," Rosalie instantly retorted, sounding confused by Jasper's comment. She had never really been interested in watching Shrek, so didn't understand this strange media reference.

"Sit down, Emmett," I groaned, "and cover yourself up." Throwing a blanket at him, I was pleased to see him obeying my order. Once he was safely sitting down, his vitals hidden from everyone's now scarred eyes, I turned my attention to the others. Rosalie didn't need any encouragement to join her husband on the sofa, and Edward, Bella and Renesmee moved to sit on one of the other sofas. That only left two. Jasper wasn't really a problem, being already relatively sitting. Alice was a different matter. She was far too hyped up on the Red Bull to even stay still for a second.

"I'm going to be the king" she kept singing, dancing around the room and sipping at her new can of Red Bull. Sighing deeply, I moved across the room, collected the remaining cans from the floor, and hid them before turning back to my non-hyper children.

"I guess I'll just talk to you six," I told them softly, sitting down so I could see all of their expressions. "After all, Alice already knows what I'm going to say."

"I didn't do it!" Emmett immediately interrupted, putting on an innocent expression, "It was Jasper. He dared me to do it!"

I just stared at him, wondering if you would continue his excuses or would tell me what I was apparently telling him off for. It was nice to see he still cracked, even when I wasn't trying to make him.

"What are you on about?" inquired Jasper in a sleepy voice, pulling himself up enough to look over at his brother. "We haven't done anything Esme doesn't know about."

My eyes flicked between the two, trying to work out if Jasper was telling the truth or if there was something I should know.

"Well, obviously," Emmett responded, rolling his eyes at Jasper, "That's why we're in trouble, because she knows. DUH!" Looking at my other children, I found a mixture of expressions. Rosalie looked like she was about to explode at Emmett again, just waiting to find out what he'd done; Bella looked confused, her eyes flicking around the room like mine; Renesmee looked bored and on the verge of falling asleep; and Edward was barely sitting still as laughter rocked through him.

"We haven't done anything, stupid," Jasper groaned. "Well, I haven't, except for the obvious. I think Esme is trying to talk to us about something else, so shut up."

"Jasper, don't call people stupid," I scolded instantly, glaring at him, "Now, Emmett, would you like to tell everyone what you've done?" Emmett was looking worried now, his eyes darting between everyone.

"This is about the cream isn't it?" he asked softly, his eyes locking with mine as he spoke. "Cause I'm really sorry!"

"No, she told you off for that last week," Edward pointed out with a grin.

"Urm…" he began, "The cricket bat?"

"Nope" Rosalie sighed, "That was two weeks ago."

"Urm…" he began again.

"It's not the body paint," Edward interrupted, "or the jelly, or the handcuffs, or the lace panties up the tree. You've been punished for all of those."

I couldn't help the edges of my lips beginning to curl up.

"I don't know then," Emmett sighed, "I can't remember doing anything else." His expression was so confused I couldn't help but giggle at it. His eyes instantly flicked to mine. "It's not fair," he moaned, "What'd I do?"

"Nothing, stupid," Edward chuckled. "She just wants to talk to us."

"Edward, don't call people stupid!" I snapped instantly, getting sick of my children calling each other names.

Renesmee jumped at my sharp tone, waking from her light slumber. "Sorry, sweetheart," I cooed, smiling sweetly at her. "Your daddy was just being naughty."

"Stupid," she muttered towards Edward, before closing her eyes and falling back asleep.

"I give up." I sighed, "if she's calling people that, then there's no hope for the rest of you."

Alice took this as an opportunity to collapse on the coffee table, smiling happily over at Jasper in an adoring fashion.

"We're going to do a play for Nessie!" Alice happily declared, taking the words from my mouth. "We'll all play different parts, and it'll be really fun".

"A PLAY??" Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper and Bella all bellowed, causing Renesmee to wake again and burst into tears.

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